rise

I hate to admit it, but the majority of my time is spent feeling buried. Either under a pile of laundry, bills, unfinished home and personal projects, fatigue, the list literally goes on and on. I am constantly clawing my way out of this hole dug by illness, young and instant family, you know life. I get so bogged I forget. I forget I have the tools to rise up. Music has always been magic, a tool that sparks my light in the darkest, deepest times and carries me to another place. Whether it's listening or playing I am always lifted. When I play, I feel "tapped in" to the Divine, the songs are not mine I am only the instrument. So I must play everyday. Period.

Swirly

I believe one of my gifts this time is to see other's hearts. I am able to look past ego and see their pain. When I was younger, it really worked to my advantage. I used it many times to convince others of my plight. I was very powerful, not necessarily in a bad way, but my opinions held a lot of weight.

Then one summer, it shifted. I was 20 and I got very sick, I spent almost a year of my life in bed or a dr.'s office and scared. When I had recovered,  my gift of "sight" had strengthened, but my ability to use it as advantaged gone. I had little boundaries, and gave energy to those undeserving. I lost a lot of my power, no I gave it up. I was ashamed of my power.

Things are swirly for me now. I need my power more than ever. My babes need a Mama Brave. Who uses her instinct, her knowledge and gifts to blaze a trail as we walk our Earth journey together. There are strange and wonderful things happening here. There is much yelling, there is much singing. I hear both. I feel both. I pray my voice is the clearest.

shine on

So, there's this book club comprised of my husband's extended female family and their friends, and I am a member. Oh and they are all Catholic and I am not. Now, I know some might think "why in the hell, would you choose to hang out socially with that crew?"

Well there are three good reasons.

 1. They love me AND my children very much and I love them.

 2. They are wonderful people

3. I don't have many friends and I have no friends in my town.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do feel out of place. Our last book club I was corrected Global warming is not real; shit happens and it is cyclical. One time I learned African-Americans miss being slaves and that is why they stay on welfare. Oh and somehow we always end up talking about abortion. While most of the time I stand alone in my "bleeding heart" views, I am there. I am being a yin to their yang, and I believe that is so important. It makes some uncomfortable, talking about things such as religion, politics, human suffering, women's rights etc. So in order to prevent idle minds and mouths we are having a costume jewelry swap and the next meeting! 

I am totally stoked! Why on earth would I want to talk to other women about helping others or how the book at hand relates to present day society and how we can learn and grown from that when I could drink wine and get a new necklace!!!  

It is hard, being surrounded by those who think you are different, or who feel they must save you from your ignorance. Even harder, when those people's words or actions come from a dark place. I know. I don't get out much because of it. Yet I know the reason I am on this Earth is to keep my light shining,protected from situations and people who diminish it and to never dwindle another's. 

A kindred told me this morning "We can't always be the light bringers. Sometimes one needs to vent so we don't get consumed by the dark shit."  So I vented just a little bit. Thanks guys I feel so much brighter! 

Earth walking

Papa always told me "You are a spirit being having a human experience, Sweet P" This is my thread; it runs through every cell in my body. All my thoughts and beliefs have stemmed from this one statement; it colors all my choices. How do I exist here in this form and honor my spirit and The Spirit at the same time?


Work. Work? Shit! No, I know its work, but geeze it's like all the freakin' time! 

You got to train, Jess. Seriously. If you were going to  had to run a marathon you would train. You would do what it took and make yourself do it. Every day, every time choose to be happy. Choose to be ok. Choose to remember you are spirit and this time you are here as Jess with all her ego driven outlooks and bleeding heart. Daughter, Sister, Mate, Mother, Earth Walker.

sending love and prayers to those affected by Storm Sandy xo

p.s. those in the U.S. please don't let your voice be silenced. VOTE even if you vote no confidence. xo

Toadstool jumping...

He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg

                                                                                           ~Chinese Proverb

Anyone else's leg tired? 

Cave in

So I finally caved in. I gave up  let go of self-imposed goals expectations (there is a huge difference you know). I went inside my den, hulled up with my cubs and mate and recharged. The deep recharge only a hibernation can facilitate.

I feel tremendous changes stirring. I hope to share them, but I can't promise when or even if. Well damn! What kind of blog is this?! - A real one.

Happy Friday and much love to you guys! xo

The wrong lane... (explicit version) LOL

Do you ever have those moments where you are driving down the road and you're like
"Waaait a minute, where the hell am I going?"
"Oh shit I am in the wrong lane. I am in the wrong friggin' lane! DAMNITTTTTTT!"

Yep I forgot where I was going and ended up in the wrong friggin lane. I went somewhere I was sooo not trying to go. It was one of those places, kinda uhhh...  run-down, neglected, but romantic and nostalgic. Hindsight you think "whoa that place was really awful, kinda scary. I mean it was very intriguing, but shit, I can't believe I drove through that place *shutter*"


Shit I can't believe I drove through that place. 

shedding skin

Last week, some of my demons caught up with me. It was an ugly fight, dare I say dirty fight. Yet here I am, writing this post with a picture of sunlight and incense burning.

Guess who won the fight?!

Such is life. And I am in the next chapter, having just weaned my last baby emphasizes this fact even more. I am attempting to create more purpose in my life. Giving everyday moments the special attention they deserve, because I am so grateful for this life.

This "so happens" to be what I am to focus on this week in my e-course. Intent and purpose, coincidence? I think not. I have no doubt I am where I am supposed to be, so I will honor that gift with time, love and attention.

path

So I kinda found this path to travel. It is narrow, only wide enough for one to walk and that is unsettling. I hear my loves behind me cheering me on, but I can only do this on my own.

I am uncomfortable and scared as shit. Themes which have ruled my life for the past few years. And as I take these first steps in a new direction, towards purpose and alignment those same fears rise up.

I choke them back again and again, call on my bear guide and step forward. Tip toe, tip toe.....

Settle down...

Hey precious girl.

Why are your eyes aching, your voice shaking,

Is your spirit breaking?

Is your strength taking leave

From you?

Settle down little one.

Settle down and see

See the tools you have

You have the tools to be.

Be free and soar.