rebirth

water to wine

rebirth can be liberating

or it can be uncomfortable as shit. 

                 cheers sisters

shed

doilies and drinking in life on a new porch. preparing for spring, oh the busyness. I feel it down deep, that energy just before growth. I have been planning and tilling and weeding and feeding. Crying, hugging, laughing and loving.

It was a hard winter. 

I made it through, stronger and grateful.  I'm ready to shed.

The old no longer fits, it is way too small.  

Swirly

I believe one of my gifts this time is to see other's hearts. I am able to look past ego and see their pain. When I was younger, it really worked to my advantage. I used it many times to convince others of my plight. I was very powerful, not necessarily in a bad way, but my opinions held a lot of weight.

Then one summer, it shifted. I was 20 and I got very sick, I spent almost a year of my life in bed or a dr.'s office and scared. When I had recovered,  my gift of "sight" had strengthened, but my ability to use it as advantaged gone. I had little boundaries, and gave energy to those undeserving. I lost a lot of my power, no I gave it up. I was ashamed of my power.

Things are swirly for me now. I need my power more than ever. My babes need a Mama Brave. Who uses her instinct, her knowledge and gifts to blaze a trail as we walk our Earth journey together. There are strange and wonderful things happening here. There is much yelling, there is much singing. I hear both. I feel both. I pray my voice is the clearest.

shine on

So, there's this book club comprised of my husband's extended female family and their friends, and I am a member. Oh and they are all Catholic and I am not. Now, I know some might think "why in the hell, would you choose to hang out socially with that crew?"

Well there are three good reasons.

 1. They love me AND my children very much and I love them.

 2. They are wonderful people

3. I don't have many friends and I have no friends in my town.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do feel out of place. Our last book club I was corrected Global warming is not real; shit happens and it is cyclical. One time I learned African-Americans miss being slaves and that is why they stay on welfare. Oh and somehow we always end up talking about abortion. While most of the time I stand alone in my "bleeding heart" views, I am there. I am being a yin to their yang, and I believe that is so important. It makes some uncomfortable, talking about things such as religion, politics, human suffering, women's rights etc. So in order to prevent idle minds and mouths we are having a costume jewelry swap and the next meeting! 

I am totally stoked! Why on earth would I want to talk to other women about helping others or how the book at hand relates to present day society and how we can learn and grown from that when I could drink wine and get a new necklace!!!  

It is hard, being surrounded by those who think you are different, or who feel they must save you from your ignorance. Even harder, when those people's words or actions come from a dark place. I know. I don't get out much because of it. Yet I know the reason I am on this Earth is to keep my light shining,protected from situations and people who diminish it and to never dwindle another's. 

A kindred told me this morning "We can't always be the light bringers. Sometimes one needs to vent so we don't get consumed by the dark shit."  So I vented just a little bit. Thanks guys I feel so much brighter! 

alive

“I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell

Toadstool jumping...

He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg

                                                                                           ~Chinese Proverb

Anyone else's leg tired? 

Evolve

A need for more light in my living room started the evolution of one of my new favorite spots. A "new" gold tree was the icing on the cake.  All of these items I had, with the exception of the gold tree, and they were just hanging around in disarray waiting for their spot.  It came together effortlessly, with purpose and without expectations. And most importantly with love and respect, as each item is either thrifted or from Mother Nature. Ain't life grand?!

The wrong lane... (explicit version) LOL

Do you ever have those moments where you are driving down the road and you're like
"Waaait a minute, where the hell am I going?"
"Oh shit I am in the wrong lane. I am in the wrong friggin' lane! DAMNITTTTTTT!"

Yep I forgot where I was going and ended up in the wrong friggin lane. I went somewhere I was sooo not trying to go. It was one of those places, kinda uhhh...  run-down, neglected, but romantic and nostalgic. Hindsight you think "whoa that place was really awful, kinda scary. I mean it was very intriguing, but shit, I can't believe I drove through that place *shutter*"


Shit I can't believe I drove through that place. 

In Tending

I learned something about myself this week. I don't "tend" myself. When I say tend, I mean give attention and intention to. I don't really do special things to make sure I feel good, strong, full. I fail to show the universe I am worthy of energy, because I put little into myself. I am an afterthought. Sure my husband does things for me, and my babies? Well just their presence is very medicinal. Yet those are other people, and I don't believe in burdening another with the task of filling me up. Ultimately it is my responsibility, and I am going to take it more seriously. I am going to tend myself/ my life as I would tend the Earth.  Being gentle, watering and pulling weeds all with love and gratitude.

photo: the Badger

One of my favorite things to do is hang laundry on the clothesline. I think back to when I was a young girl and I would run through sheets hanging on the line, that was a magic time in my life. I am able to cultivate that magic now when I am doing the laundry, and I feel so at peace, so thankful for everything in my life. I don't notice the heat or the bugs or distracting thoughts. I am able to stay fully present. Its as if a window is open yet there is a screen and I feel the breeze but all the bugs can't get through. Hanging clothes is my zen work, and doing zen work is great tending. 

Since Mon is taking a break from Keeping it Real and my Friday's are open I thought this would be a great opportunity for some tending. 

These are some things I am doing to fill myself...

I am reading this book and so far I love it! 

Of course I am hanging laundry

Stitching Little Birdie's 2nd Birthday quilt

Dancing to

It is more than just doing these things, it is the intention behind the doing. Each of these things are done with much intention, as if it is a sacred ritual. Putting love and energy into my precious babies' mama, what could be more sacred than that?!

I would love to hear the things you are doing for yourself, to fill you up and tend your light. You deserve it. 

shedding skin

Last week, some of my demons caught up with me. It was an ugly fight, dare I say dirty fight. Yet here I am, writing this post with a picture of sunlight and incense burning.

Guess who won the fight?!

Such is life. And I am in the next chapter, having just weaned my last baby emphasizes this fact even more. I am attempting to create more purpose in my life. Giving everyday moments the special attention they deserve, because I am so grateful for this life.

This "so happens" to be what I am to focus on this week in my e-course. Intent and purpose, coincidence? I think not. I have no doubt I am where I am supposed to be, so I will honor that gift with time, love and attention.

path

So I kinda found this path to travel. It is narrow, only wide enough for one to walk and that is unsettling. I hear my loves behind me cheering me on, but I can only do this on my own.

I am uncomfortable and scared as shit. Themes which have ruled my life for the past few years. And as I take these first steps in a new direction, towards purpose and alignment those same fears rise up.

I choke them back again and again, call on my bear guide and step forward. Tip toe, tip toe.....

Embracing the negative

Fridays are usually my Joy Pockets days. This week something feels different. I think it all started last week actually, when Rain from Sacred Life, asked us to write a love letter to someone we love deeply. I wrote my letter and something moved in me. I cried while composing the letter and then most of the day.

My letter was to my human self, who I had fallen out of love with long ago. This letter sparked something inside that clicked the gentleness I have been seeking into a tangible place. Earlier this week I was reminded of Bear medicine and I am truly feeling the beginning of the balance I have yearned for. A balance reached only by embracing both sides, the positive and the negative.

Why must the "negative" be negative. It is a powerful way to grow. A POWERFUL way to grow. If we act as though it is something we must overcome instead of something we must embrace and work through, I am afraid we are losing something valuable.

Mon (wonderful Mon) did a post today at Ink & Chai embracing positive and negative aspects of her week. I love this and hope she does this on a weekly basis, as I feel a shift towards this kind of outlook.

Hope this isn't too deep for Friday, but it is what it is and had to be posted today for some reason...

Have a great weekend. Embrace all that happens, the positive and the negative and reconnect with yourself. I have grown to love you all xoxo